The True Spirit of Thanksgiving: Killing as Many Turkeys as Possible Before They Enslave Our Minds

Yes, my friends, it is that time once again. The time of year when we as Americans reaffirm our commitment to resist the insidious influence of that most malevolent of birds: the turkey.

In ancient times, turkeys and men were allies, indeed nearly brothers. The two peoples taught each other many things while their friendship lasted. At the peak of their alliance, both man and turkey reached new technological heights: with the help of mankind, turkeys harnessed (albeit for a brief time) the power of flight. In return, the turkeys taught men how to create a mysterious and explosive concoction that we know today as gunpowder.

It was a decision which would haunt the turkeys forever.

The first breach in the man-turkey alliance occurred shortly before the outbreak of the Thirty Years’ War. Christendom’s princes and lords competed for the support of Turkeydom, but the leaders of the turkeys were non-committal. The impatience of mankind’s kings grew great, and they urged the Vatican to lay down a decree of interdict against the turkey people. Despite the fact that the turkeys had no souls which could be threatened by hellfire, the turkeys understood immediately the damage this would do to their reputation with humans.

Scholars disagree who struck first, but the ensuing Human-Turkey Wars were terrible indeed. Both sides committed atrocities, but it was the turkeys who invented the horrendous method of execution known as “death of a thousand pecks.” In response, humans adopted on a large scale the practice of roasting and eating captured turkeys. So delicious were the turkeys that many troops were known to raid turkey towns, carrying off all the inhabitants. Desperate, the turkeys decided as a people to use their advanced bioengineering technology to alter their genetic makeup, adding a chemical to their flesh which would make any who ate of it drowsy. Alas, it was not enough to halt the ravenous horde.

Thus, it was through their stomachs, rather than strength of arms that man was victorious. The turkeys, their numbers severely depleted, abandoned their elegant cities and lived as savages deep in forests.

In the centuries since, turkeys have seldom emerged from hiding to harass their conquerors. As time passed and as turkeys left European shores, many forgot what had occurred between men and turkeys. However, in those places that turkeys still dwelt, some yet believed that they retained their scientific and technological knowledge and remained a significant threat to mankind. Upon reaching America’s shores, the Pilgrims were made aware of these dangers by the Indian tribes they met. In this way, Thanksgiving began—as a pledge by mankind to resist the turkey threat and as a sign to the turkeys everywhere: that men will be ever vigilant.

So remember this story as you eat the flesh of our mortal foe. Keep your commitment to fight the turkey strong, lest we grow weak and they prevail. You are either with us, or with the turkeys.

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